April 3- Speaking For

We begin with Amy Winehouse. It seems like small talk, but Dr. R says that everything she talks about has theory in it. She plays a video of "Rehab" on her i-phone. I stand back, unable to see, (I'm not the only one), until Sharoon steps back to let me near. I step in for a minute, then step back again. I get called on it. Why do I always withdraw and stand back? I mull it over for a while. Is it that I'm not a full participant? No. I participate fully in discussions, but I don't press forward to grab viewing space.I think in America people don't stand super close to each other. I'm not the only one not pressing in, but I am on the outer edge. I don't want to block someone else's view, and I don't want to contort and twist my neck. I take turns.
Dr. R prepares us for Dr. Ozsuath. Our background and stuff influences how andwhat we hear. Nothing is true; however, things can be valid. Art- we can't read anything into it, but we can sync with it (a la Hall). "When people don't get heard, they stop talking. And then they leave. (I know this is true.) That is why we have divorce." "Be responsible for what you bring to the table. Know where you are coming from."
Dr. Ozsuath is an older lady with very coiffed hair, a straight skirt, and a rust colored blouse. She is a holocaust survivor. She begins by speaking about differences in culture that make it difficult to speak of her experience- the US is a "strength" culture. She comes from a culture that values the "weak." People who came here, who survive the holocaust were ashamed and didn't talk. People here couldn't understand why they didn't resist. They ask questions about things they know. A son-in-law admires his mother-in-law for being a survivor, for having a good life here despite losing her children to the ovens. There is a pain in not being able to mourn. She never spoke of it. "You an't speak of things that others have no idea about."
Dr. O got out of Budapest with her parents help, to join her husband in Germany after the war. She introduced herself to people with "I am Jewish." Then she came to Austin. She didn't talk about the war.
"I didn't have a story to tell. I was full of stories." She listenined to people's stories, made some recordings of her own, and then decided to quit telling stories. "After you have one story you are repeating that story. " She thought the story was immensly wide and complicated. Shrinking it to just one story did not do it justice. And people cannot tell the horror-the mundane details of the story undermined the horror, the actual experience. The shame, the inexpressibility of being completely at the mercy of other people- it is only possible to speak in terms of resistance, not victimization- there is a demand for resistance.
Now she chooses one story to tell out of many- creating a story line limits the larger story. She learned to live with her head held up high, just as her father told her they would do after the war. (but could not do in Soviet occupied Hungary, where people continued to disappear.)
We are all teary eyed. Theories we heard? Framing, self-experience. Speaking for the silenced, the ashamed. The unsayable is left unsaid, but becomes known through what is said. People can hear stories of miracles- these imply the horrors that require the miracles. (Is this saying the glass is half full? Is this minimizing the story? Derrida is here- signature and performativity.
The purity of our listening, Dr. R says, with no agenda, creates. Dr. O is able to tell something she has never told before. She puts into words the why she quit telling stories and why she has begun again. She wasn't attempting to speak for the universal expreience, but we could relate to her- not necessarily to her stories, but to her as an experiencer.
I understand more clearly now why I do not tell my stories. Apart from the instant flood of tears, there is too much unknown, too much background to explain. The story gets lost in the wonder of experiences. And also, when one lives the story, it is normalized. To tell it one must sensationalize, which doesn't always feel true. The sensational is there, but it is infrequent. The cotidian mundanities comprise the bulk of our experiences.
This is summed up in the question- "How does it feel to grow up/ experience _______?" Dr. O mentions this question- it stems from the speakers own inability to imagine the replier's everyday life. The answer is "Normal," because that's what it is or becomes.